Internet Dry Spell

Two weeks ago, I woke up in a new location: North Carolina, South Carolina's richer, snobby, tobacco farming upstairs neighbor. I used to live here back in the day when I had a disposable income, but now, in a post-dot com world, it's a bit tougher than I remember. But the show must go on!

Unfortunately, I've been at the mercy of my Internet provider. You see, this apartment is rather old, so high-speed Internet was like putting a jet engine on a hot air balloon... or something stupid like that. For the past two weeks, while I await the cables and wires and gizmos to be connected, I've been forced to entertain myself without the world-devouring web. Harikari was always an option, but I decided to explore the outside world, and I discovered some scary, weird, indescribable anomalies. Such as...

5. Trees

Man, just look at that gangly motherfucker! It's got arms like eels and a body like a Doric-style column. Where's it's head? Does it have a brain? This Lovecraftian horror can be seen everywhere around here, standing sentry in people's front yards. Sometimes I wander into the wrong neighborhood and there's a whole gang of these things standing around staring at me. I turn around quickly and get out of there. Stay the hell out of those places called nature preserves.

4. Flowers

What asshole thought these were a good idea? They poke up from the ground like traffic cones or tiny lampposts, all bright and frightening. The worst part is that they smell good so you lean over the get a whiff, and then a black and yellow dude jumps out and shanks your face! The knife must be dipped in feces because the stab wound gets all puffy and infected. Avoid flowers.

3. Parking Lots

I kind of like these. There's all these cars lined up in rows with no one watching. Some of the doors are unlocked and there's nice stuff inside, so you go about the aisles trying all the doors like an old game show snatching prizes: an iPod, a GPS, a coffee cup, a wad of napkins, a grandmother, etc. I must have looked at one of those trees wrong because this police man started chasing me. Damn trees. Also, am I the only one who though Ikea was a gigantic Blockbuster Video? It must be the color scheme.

2. Pigeons

Eck, what the fuck is that? RUN!

1. Cows

These people are weird. First of all, their women have four teets! And they're all nudists, which you think would be a good thing, except they all look like furry blimps with stubby legs and four teets. They chew on the ground all day. I'm assuming they eat tiny people like Smurfs and Borrowers. The women are ok, but the men are mean and charge at you with their pointy hair. I would recommend avoiding cows entirely.

Well, my Internet is back, so I've returned to blogging, writing, video producing, and... let's be honest. We all know the Internet is for one thing. One naughty thing that we all watch in the privacy of our own home. Enjoy!