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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

12-21-12 Predictions

Holy crap, you guys, 12-21-12 is next week! Will the world end? Will we be screwed? Will all those 2012 Doomsday books be half-price at Barnes and Noble? Will I buy them and read them ironically at bus stops? Well of course.

But on a serious note... E-Flat.

On another serious note, the Doomsday prophecy is another case of Anglo-European ideology thrusting itself upon other cultures. The Mayans do not believe in a doomsday scenario (and if they do, it's not very well published.) Instead, they see the resetting of their calendar as a time of enlightenment as though we are entering a Golden Age when knowledge is more valuable than money and the Superman franchise is decent. To put it in perspective, the last time the Mayan Calendar reset, cave painters appeared on the planet and modern humanity with all its bells and whistles began. What does this mean for us, the descendents of the Flintstones? (I, personally, can trace my lineage back to Barney Rubble. Thanks, Mormons!)

I present my predictions for December 21, 2012.

1) We will able to view the fourth dimension. Dreamworks immediately begins making movies in 4D. The gimmick gets old fast.

2) New colors will become visible. Your box of Crayola crayons will double in size with new additions like Purporange, Breen, and Aquamarine Polygon.

3) Already existing colors will become more vibrant. It ends up there is a HUGE difference between Pink, Salmon, and Coral. You will owe your decorator an apology.

4) Scientists will discover free energy. The new technology will be used to power an oil rig, thus accomplishing nothing.

5) Aliens will return to Earth, take a look around, shake their heads, and back away from the planet head-desking the whole way home.

6) Aliens will return to Earth to buy their advanced tickets for Les Mis.

7) The ancient beings buried beneath the sea since the dawn of time will rise up and take back what is theirs: a White Castle franchise in Flagstaff, AZ.

8) Money will lose its value with the advent of free energy. The New York Stock Exchange will be converted into the world's loudest TGIFridays.

9) Humanity will discover the secret to immortality. Keith Richards will respond by saying "'s 'bout time you people figure' out the secret 's Marmite!"

10) We will evolve into the next step in human evolution: tall gray-skinned creatures with massive brains sticking out of our skulls. Here are a few 'Yo Mama' jokes for when that happens.
"Yo mama's so gray, when she stands against cement, she disappears."
"Yo mama's so short, she can still walk through doorways without bending over."
"Yo mama's so dumb, her brain looks like a meatball rolled on her head."
"Yo mama's so under-evolved, she still has eyelids."
"Yo whole family's so poor, your dark matter particle accelerator is a doughnut with a straw in it."


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